The Saga of Healing Continues

Last night, the Lord showed me that I was desiring healing for its own sake, and not desiring Him whether I am healed or not. (The Lord gave me a promise of healing in 1989). So I laid it all on the altar again, and prayed out loud. Alot of times I just pray in my heart. I prayed very specifically about fears and dreaded outcomes (of not being healed), and put them on the altar, telling Him that even if I'm not healed, and if the dreaded outcomes occurred, He is still worthy of all my love and devotion. And I meant it. I was also dealing with something I'd dealt with before, (but not often) a sense of intense pressure and dread. I know this isn't from the Lord, and it isn't a psychological problem. It's spiritual warfare. This sort of thing is from Satan. I experienced it first 7 years ago. So I prayed until it subsided. I recalled that when the Lord leads me, and particularly when He brings me to a "crisis" time, usually when I must give up something, He does so in a very calm and peaceful manner. So I determined not to take bold steps of faith until they are presented to me in a calm and peaceful manner, and when I am calm within. In regard to desiring the Lord more than healing, or even life itself, persecuted Christians live like this all the time. They can't be wimpy and all worried about their health all the time. Jesus has to be absolutely supreme, and worth all cost of their serving Him. If they were not so devoted, they would never emotionally or spiritually survive the persecution, because they are harassed and tortured all the time. In the Book of Daniel, there is a passage about the end times which says that the antichrist will wear out the saints of the Most High. When I get to Heaven, the Lord is not going to ask me about my health! I believe the Lord is preparing me for persecution, and so His working on me so hard about my deficiency of devotion is actually a labor of love. It is also why the devil is working so hard to scare me and turn me away from this. I can't be double-minded. My heart must be united to fear the Lord. May it be so, no matter what the cost.