Watershed Events

Recently I've been trying to determine whether or not the Lord wants me to attend the all-church retreat May 1-2. Why is it such a big deal? I'm recalling a church staff retreat MANY years ago, when I was a very young Christian. This retreat was truly a watershed event in my life, but I didn't know it in advance. I was a church intern preparing for missionary service. The church staff was having a retreat, and I didn't think I should go due to a certain health issue. This health issue was minor, but I didn't know it at the time. My supervisor did some research, then told me I had to attend the retreat or forfeit my internship. I went, but with a huge attitude. After the retreat my supervisor yelled at me, and told me I was stubborn and rebellious, but I didn't see it. Then another staff family took me home after church, and the wife gave up her restful afternoon to listen to me and ask me questions. Before long, I told her I was rebellious. A major spiritual transaction took place at that moment. For the first time, I stepped off the throne of my heart, and enthroned Jesus. The difference was noticeable. And the Lord completely and forever healed me of that health issue. Fast forward to now. The similarities are the retreat and some health issues. Everything else is different. My attitude is: I want to go to the retreat if I'm sure the Lord is leading me. If He's not leading me, I'm setting myself up for a big fall. The health issues are big, and though not fatal, can be very debilitating. The retreat would challenge me physically in a number of ways, which really mess things up when I try to make even slight changes in diet, balance of activity and rest, etc. So if the Lord wants me to attend the retreat, the results could be glorious. If He doesn't, they could be disastrous. So the big question is: does He want me to attend? When I'm feeling really good physically, my attitude is: Yeah! Go for it! When I'm feeling really horrible physically, I can barely muster the strength to do the normal things I do, and think I'd be really crazy to attend a retreat. Part of the challenge is that everything has to be chiseled in stone three months before the retreat, including paid in full. Anything can happen (bad or good!) in three months! In addition, the Lord has recently shown me that my health has been an enormous idol, and with His help, I'm taking steps to do something about it. I've also been thinking of a camp for mentally challenged adults eight years ago. When I signed up to be a camp companion, I told them that I had diet issues, and asked for some accommodations. They said I'd have to cook my own food. I didn't think I'd have time to do that and be a companion. So I told them I'd eat anything. And I ate many forbidden foods with no problems. Praise the Lord! But this healing was not permanent, and there were no spiritual breakthroughs like when I was a church intern. So I ask: What does the Lord want me to do about the retreat that is before me right now? What does the Lord plan to do as a result of my decision? I don't know. But one thing I do know is that the Lord wants me to trust Him one way or the other.